En kopia av en vän.

Spring.

Before I felt quite bad. Now the spring is here and everything feels a little bit better. It brought a sore throat though. Joanna Newsom, tea and a cool breeze. My future is still very uncleare. Will I feel at ease? Berlin or Gothenburg? Good question...

Joanna Newsom. It can't get any better.

Orchids.

Today I realize the orchids in my apartment are a quite good metaphor.

In November, when Agnes and I moved into our apartment, the two orchids were in full blossom. One with white petals, one with pink. The white one had only one flower but the pink was flourishing with several beautiful blossomed buds. As time went, in December the petals of the orchids started to fade and fall to the floor. In matter of weeks almost no petals were left. The only tiny hope of a new blossom was two small buds on either flower. When we came back after Christmas all petals had fallen off, leaving two bare branches and the two buds.

Two days ago the I noticed the buds had grown. They had grown so much they almost burst. Now they have begun to open. If I would have watched the buds intensively just today, I think I actually would have seen them expand and open up. It goes so fast. Just a week ago they were solid, almost rock hard, shells that showed no signs of living what so ever, whereas now they are soon ready to be shown at a fair for the most beautiful flowers on earth.

What I saw this as a metaphor for was simply Agnes' and my relationship since we moved here. The flowers of the orchids have been very synched with how the relation between us has been. We noticed quite fast that it wouldn't last and that it was fading, just like the petals. It didn't become any better after Christmas and January was everything but good. Now, though, we have moved on from a bad stage and I feel that it has begun to grow towards something better. Something more beautiful. I hope we can blossom like orchids in time. Maybe not as astonishingly fast, but as beautiful.

In my ears I have tonight heard Zoë Keating and Joanna Newsom.

Berlinale, 100216.

Yesterday was an interesting day in my Berlinale history. The second day of films for me and I was hurrying to my third film. I was a bit stressed because I only had fifty minutes between the films and had to ride the U-Bahn a bit to get to the CineStar cinema. I came, ran to the toilet and went into the theatre. Before, when I had booked the tickets to this film, 'Amphetamine', I had gotten the image that it would be a small salon with a small audience. When I entered though, it was a completely different scenario. It was a huge theatre packed with people. But not only people, it was a lot of cameras as well. I was a bit surprised and thought that it might be a premier, and I was happy to be there. When things started though, I noticed it wasn't what I thought it was. I had wound up at the award ceremony for the 'Berlinale Shorts'. At first I thought it might have been a combination of the award ceremony and the movie I was to see and I thought 'OK'. The jury was introduced by a super lovely host and the mood was sparkling. I haden't planned on seeing any of the short films so I didn't know much about the films or the film makers they were talking about, but it was a blast anyway. The first two awards were independent organisations who gave and then there was the silver and gold bear to be presented. The silver bear went to an Israelian film and the director was shocked over winning. He claimed his price, stumbeled a nice 'Thank you, I Love you!', placed himself in front of the journalists, brought his price forth and smiled like a kid in a candy store. Then the gold bear was to be presented. The motivation described a perfectly presented, seventeen minute long film with only one take. The name was presented, but I couldn't really figure out what they said. I hear something with 'bank' but that was all. Everyone started clapping and the director and producer stepped on stage. He, the director, started talking and in an instance I heard. The accent. He was deffinetly Scandinavian. I thought Swedish, but I wasn't sure. My excitement started growing. I noticed I got a bit warm, almost nervous. I quicly looked through the program to notice the film was 'Händelser vid Bank' ('Incidents by a Bank' in english) from Sweden. A second later i realized it was Ruben Östlund's film and I got so happy. I think it was because of the fact that I knew who the director was and because the film was from Sweden. Now I was the kid in the candy store. Ruben gave a speak about 'Buffy the vampier slayer' and a Russian film maker (I didn't really hear, I was too psyched). Then the producer stepped forth. She thanked all the people from the production team and the sponsor and then dropped the bomb that they had developed the film together with Backa Teatern (The Backa Theatre). If I was happy before, I could have died a happy man after that. I felt like I was a part of the whole happening. Both from being there, but also because grew up only hundreds of meter away from that theatre. I couldn't have made a better mistake to go to that ceremony.

After the ceremony they screened the films that won and I laughed so hard to 'Händelser vid Bank'. See it if you get the chance. I walked out of the cinema really happy.

I later realized I had gone to the wrong cinema, not the wrong room, but the wrong cinema, wrong building. I am surprised they even let me in with my ticket. It was for a completely different film. I am happy about mistake though. Really happy. I will never forget. I hope...

Snow.

Today I'm making a pie for a little diner with the old class I had here in Berlin. A bunch of nice people. Maybe not the ones I call when I need to see someone, but they are fun to be around. One of them, Mona (her real name is Mona-Lisa), invited Agnes and me to New York City (!) and the Mercedes Benz Fashion Week in September. I came to heaven a bit when she said that. Maybe we'll go, maybe we don't. I would love to go to NYC, but maybe a little while further ahead. I have a fixed idea that I'll move to NYC to settle down in around 15 years when I have roamed the earth and found out how it really is for a time.

In Berlin:

I live alone now. It's quite and very predictable. Just the way I want it. Agnes and I realized we weren't really compatible for a 'living together-situation'. We have different needs that we want to be put first and at the same time none of us want to compromise. So hereby, I live alone. Yesterday I had Martina and Jonna (my two absolutely best friends here now) over. Jonna baked cinnamon buns, Martina watched '30 Rock' and cooked diner when I was cleaning the whole apartment. It took a while since it hasn't been cleaned in almost two weeks and in an almost miraculous there seems to somehow spawn sand in our hallway which spreads to both my floors in an instance. It needed cleaning. I cleaned. And then I decorated the first floor with myself (and my belongings).

I can stay in the apartment until the end of March, as I know now. I think I might be able to stay longer, but that's another story. By then, as of now, I'm thinking of going back home to Gothenburg again. I have felt a huge lack of my dearest friends, I miss you much. I haven't really felt that I've had anyone close, more encounters that you meet have a fun time with, but that you do not really call back again. I really need the comfort of knowing that there is always someone to call and meet whenever I need it. Now I have Jonna and Martina. I also have Marielle, but, sadly, she is leaving for Helsingborg on sunday.

Jonna and Marielle were both in my class. Jonna is from Gotland and Marielle from Skåne. Two lovely girls I know I will keep in touch with. We got that connection quite fast where you feel that you actually can talk about whatever and they understand. It doesn't happen often (as I've realized here), but you like it when it does. And it just so happens that they are Swedes as well. Maybe it's because we Swedes think alike that we seem to connect. The language, of course, too, but we have the same cultural background which think is a big part and beneficial.

Martina and I knew each other from Gothenburg, but as we agreed on; we hadn't been this close if it wasn't for Berlin. On monday we went to IKEA and spent a whole afternoon there. It was really fun. We laugh very much together. Very appreciated.

Now the pie (a spinach, leek (purjolök) and feta cheese one) is in the oven and I shall prepare for the day. Before the diner party we're having a small 'Weeds' marathon at Marielle and her friend Lotta's apartment.

Music today: Norah Jones' album 'The Fall'.

Flat at night.

The Tiny together with clicking from a typewriter.

Terrible future

Tonight, I think, I had the worst dream I ever dreamt. My mother died. It was not a nightmare in the horror kind of way, it was more like a dramatic movie when a character, a very loved character, dies. With the only exception that the movie never ended. I actually felt that I didn't know at all what to do. I never felt anything like it before. I wanted to cry for ever. I think I did. When I woke up I was so unknowingly relieved that it was just a dream. I am very thankful for it being a dream.

I think I changed my way of thinking a bit. I never gave my mother much thought before. She was sort of just there all the time. I never questioned her existence. I never want that to happen again.

Det är tyst.

I left.

Things happen. I move. Grandma dies and we get somewhere to stay.

In Berlin Agnes and I for a week now have been. An Indian looking South African accompanied us in the beginning and watched our different stages of emotional being. We had nowhere to stay and are for the moment partly settled at our newly found 50/60-ish year old Hungarian Joseph in his wonderful apartment in Kreuzberg. Tomorrow the, hopefully, positive notice about us getting the flat of our dream will arrive, delivered by a read haired, possibly, queer woman moving her life to Helsinki. If that happens we will live in this dream.

Joanna Newsom suited well for this evening.

Way too late, one night.

I have tooth ache and not much is happening. Tomorrow I have my theory test for the driver's licence and my new favorite site on the internet is this: Awkward Boners. I miss Martina and in Berlin I will work toward a new goal.

Imrov.

The improvised human choir.

Grattis Agnes!

Kids

All my kids are gonna be this way...

Idm_kid

No good sleep.

This is very rare for me, not to be able to fall asleep, but tonight it happened. I haven't fallen yet and now it's morning again. Awake for over 20 hours, without being tired, when actually wanting to sleep is a bit confusing. I have no idea why...

A new routine.

One phone call to a different friend every day. Just to keep track of them.

Espandrilles

Some days ago I got a sudden urge for espandrilles. It can have been caused by the fact that my last pair of summer shoes are worn out. Almost to the state of non-existing. Therefor I searched the town for a nice pair of new ones (this time it just happened to be espandrilles that I wanted). I knew several places to find the kind of shoes I wanted, but in the back of my mind my, sort of, ethical principle told me not to buy just for my own pleasure. I mouth folded that voice and continued my search. Until! I found Toms. Toms is a shoe company that per every pair of shoes you buy they donate another pair to someone who needs them. Of course this was all that was needed to please my inner voice, and I bought one pair for me.

Here they are. Their name, you ask; Picnick (what else...?)

Klick on the image and you'll be transported to Toms web page.

Because of my admiration for the internet, I will hereby write my blog in english.

(I hope you do know that the internet is international...)

Insikt och mekanik.

Dagens insikt:

"Pengar på mobilen och busskort är det enda som behövs för att vardagen ska gå runt."

- Hilda, på stan den 7:e juli 2009.

Och. Nu låter mitt tangentbord som en gammal skrivmaskin, när jag skriver.

Efter att ha sett en väldigt fin koreografi om två krock-test-dockor ackompanjerat av Goldfrapp på So You Think You Can Dance har jag lyssnat på hennes skiva Felt Mountain.